How To Turn Yourself Off

How To Turn Yourself Off

A Virgin's Guide to Resisting Temptationby: Meri Allyn (My Pseudonym)

Not an article you'd expect to see in Cosmo, huh? But tell me, you fellow virgins, aren't you tired of all the columns and books and websites and movies torturing us with tactics which make us burn with sexual desire, the very thing we are trying to resist? I am here to say it's time for us to have a voice in a sex-soaked society.
And why shouldn't we? We are adults who have chosen to remain sexless, not to mention insanely frustrated, depressed, uptight, horny...oh, sorry. I am here to help you through the fight, ladies, as that beautiful boy (or man, although he'd have to be almost on his deathbed to achieve that title nowadays) you've been waiting to get a date with FINALLY asks you to dinner.
After you squeal with excitement, call every girl in your phone book, obsess over your hair, picture your outfit down to every detail - even though the date is a week away - and over-analyze the exact reason why he asked you out in the first place, your mind inevitably floats to the night, the conversation, his lips, the kiss...how far will you go? The following is a list of techniques I've listed in the most effective order and deployment. Read carefully to be fully prepared for the date night that haunts your horizon.

Date Night

First Scenario:
It's a cold night, right after dinner, and you've come back to his place for "dessert." Caution should immediately be employed should he utter this phrase. Dessert is sometimes used as a euphemism for, well, YOU.
As I said before, the night is still innocent. You couldn't be more happy as you stand at the frosted window, watching gently falling snowflakes, taking in the warmth of the crackling fire on the hearth. He brings you his "made from scratch" hot cocoa. Okay, so you saw the empty Swiss Miss packet in the trash. He's trying, at least.
You sip the hot chocolate and in a moment of pure movie magic, he quickly laughs and licks the marshmallow cream from the tip of your nose...he gets that look in his eye and. Oh. No.
Oh YES! This is likely the response your entire body has the moment his lips gently touch your cheek. A peck, nothing more. You start to relax. Perhaps it ends there? But oh no. Here come his hands. A soft, light brush up the side of your bare arm; it leaves your skin hotter than the flames from the hearth. You see his Adam's Apple bob and his breath slowly warms the air near your face.
This is when you must act FAST. I like to call this technique The Knuckle Biter. It can be the easiest to employ; however it does take some discretion as fingers and mouths together can have quite the opposite effect if not properly done while attempting this trick.
Look into his eye with a coy glance, just so he has the impression that you are flirting with him and not rejecting him outright. You are, of course, but this is a sensitive time in the new romance. One must learn to play the game expertly. As you turn your back to him, quickly bite the knuckles of your free hand as hard as possible without breaking the skin. The purpose is, although frustrating, to cause enough pain so that your only focus will be hurrying to the kitchen for ice to place on your wound, thereby stalling for quite a bit of time. This works perfectly if indeed there IS hot chocolate involved. Pretend to spill it on yourself to save an awkward explanation. While you're applying the ice, search for the most unromantic topic to discuss, such as...warm beaches in the moonli...oh, right.
NASCAR, baby! Or anything involving cars will likely divert his attention. It's good to have a pre-made list of boring topics - to you, of course - for times like these.

Second Scenario:
It's a bit later in the evening, and you're wiping your eyes (for the thirtieth time) as you watch The Notebook. My advice is that you DO NOT watch this on your first date. Or the first few dates. However, it seems to be an epidemic, so if you just can't stop yourself, at least refrain from talking about soul mates, marriage, and kids the minute the credits begin rolling. This guy does have points, though, if he is willing to watch the most notorious romance movie/chick flick in modern history with you.
You glance at him on the other end of the sofa, laughing at yourself for your tears. He grins at you...and CRAP! Your heart starts fluttering again. You feel a heat deep in your stomach and you watch with wide eyes as he inevitably begins moving to your end of the couch. You draw your knees to your chest.
*gulp*
This is when you must employ a lovely tactic I like to call The Visual.
This one works every time. As the heat of his strong arm warms your shoulders and you watch his full lips get closer and closer to your agonizingly longing ones, picture the worst and most horrific thing you could ever imagine.
Your parents. In bed.
For some, this thought alone (incredibly) isn't enough. Feel free to bring whatever you need into your nightmare. Behind door number one we have chains, whips, and leather. Door number two? Oh, some maid costumes...oh, and here is a nurse outfit complete with a syringe and stethoscope. Behind door number three there are...rubber boots? Do we even need to go there. At this point you should be sufficiently back in your right mind (or you may need therapy, I'm just saying) to turn your head so that his lips bypass yours and hit your hair. Just be sure you've not washed it too recently, or used any sort of smell-good hair products. Resisting temptation is hard enough without adding another element of sexy.
Reach for the remote or tell him you suddenly have a desire to hear this annoying song you can't get out of your head. Maybe it will help it go away if you sing it all the way through? Don't mind his incredulous look. At least, not yet.

Third Scenario:
You have both been sitting on his bed, laughing for the past hour at hilarious stories of your childhood. The story about the time you fell asleep on the school bus and wet yourself? You might want to skip that one. You were fourteen, remember? Stick with the time you put the spider in your sister's fake tea pot. How about the time you ran away from home...to the woods a hundred feet behind your house.
But you see where this is going, right? The bed, the low lamplight, the laughter? Yes, the classic Tickling Game. Innocently he pokes your stomach. You squeal and grab your side. He asks if you're ticklish, flashing his pearly whites and lifting a dark eyebrow mischievously. This is definitely one of the hardest times to resist the impending kiss. I like to call this one The Asthma Attack.
As he, likely, tackles you gently to the floor, pinning your light frame beneath the - delicious, I know - weight of his and proceeds to tickle you until you feel you just can't breathe, you must do precisely that. As the laughter and delightful pain subside, he will probably look into your eyes and reach a hand to soothe your mussed hair from your brow, dropping his gaze to your mouth.
Quickly, before you can succumb, clutch at your throat with both hands, allowing your face to turn at least a light shade of pink from lack of oxygen. This will give you time as he sits up in alarm to roll away from him and make a theatrical display of gagging and coughing. Don't worry about being embarrassed. Empower yourself by imagining you're in front of the Academy Award judges if need be. Give an Oscar-winning performance. If he is a gentleman - which, WHY the heck are you on a date with him if he isn't - then he will likely ask if there is anything he can do. Speak one word - water. That will get him out of the room long enough for you to hurry to the mirror for a quick primp session. Don't freak if you see a broken blood vessel in your face from holding your breath. We must suffer, sometimes, for the sake of posterity. You hear footsteps on the stairs. Quickly retreat to the bed and look weak. You can't let him know what a horrible liar you are. What would he think of you? Then again, you DID just shoot him down for the third time. Hmmm...it may be time for a little compromise. Emphasis on the word LITTLE.

Fourth Scenario:
You sip the water, realizing the night is ending. If it seems his interest is waning as well, worry not. You still have one more chance. As he walks you to the front door, bidding you goodnight and thanking you for a fun evening, you can tell he isn't going to try a goodbye kiss. Good, this gives you the advantage. As he places a hand on the doorknob, reach for it, entwine your fingers with his, and slowly lean up.
Now, let's stop for a moment. You should definitely be leaning WAY up. Tippy-toe up. If your boy-toy is five feet, two inches, that's fine. Just make sure you're four foot eight. But, I digress. I forgot, personal preference. Forgive me.
So, back to you on your tippy-toes...or, if it's your thing, him on his. You sigh inside. Finally, your lips meet. It's a nice kiss - soft lips, good breath, not too aggressive. Yet. No. WAIT! Girlfriend, YOU are supposed to be resisting HIM. Stop with the tongue and the hands and the sounds...
UGH!
This is where my final and most brutal tactic comes in.

The Rugrat.
It would be a beautiful thing if I could transport you to the worst daycare imaginable and keep you a prisoner there for days. As that is impossible, I need you to go to a very dark place with me. The Labor and Delivery Room. 100 years ago. Why so long ago? It won't be as affective because today one has a myriad of drugs available to lessen the horrendous pain. No, we must go to a time before all of that.Imagine the screams of pain as the child tears through your body, the blood, the strange people in the room with you...it's like a nightmare, only it's completely real. Now let's go a little further into the future. You see that dirty - and I mean dirty - diaper strewn across the kitchen floor? Yeah, little Junior pulled it from the garbage and Fido tore it open. Now view your savings account; that trip to Tahiti you've been saving for? Oh wait, that's right, you depleted it buying formula and diapers. Now it's three a.m. You've just fallen asleep. Suddenly a scream like a dying banshee slashes through the white monitor by your head. I may be testing your tolerance for pain when I ask you to picture your tight abs turned to flab and your perky chest part of your flabby abs.
Need I go further? If you're covering your eyes and screaming, "No more!" I warned you it was brutal. Ah, there we go. From the horrific look on your face I'm assuming you just saw your demise should you continue that amazing kiss.

The End of the Night
Now that you are safely in your car and driving away, let me say a few more things.
I'm not really so radical. I don't honestly believe one kiss is going to end your life as you know it. But, however unbelievable, it can change your life quite a bit. It can be quite difficult to resist the wiles of a charming and handsome lad, especially after that kiss. Hopefully my wonderful techniques will enable you to overcome some nights of tempestuous temptation. Of course, you could always just tell a boy up front that you're not going to be another notch on his bedpost, whatever your reasoning may be. The first moment he begins to resist your decision, kick him to the curb. That's the best and simplest advice I can give...but then again, I wouldn't have had the fun of indulging in this article. =)

CHEERS!