Julian,
Go on, laugh if you want to. Yes, I’m writing you a letter, a means of communication at which I know you scoff. However, there have been some things heavy on my mind lately and I cannot toil onward without letting you know the concerns which incessantly plague me. This is not an attempt to lure you back, or rekindle any sort of relationship. I just thought you should know what’s on my mind.
The reason behind my choice to end my friendship completely with you has nothing to do with who you are or are not dating, although I know you think my coldness stems from pure jealousy. On the contrary, I have pity for her because if she knew what I have come to realize, she would do well to stop dating you.
I cannot trust you, Julian. Therein lies the epitome of our demise. You always asked me why I didn’t trust you, reiterating the question, “Why would I lie to you?” My question is why WOULDN’T you? Honestly, I ask that, without a hint of irony. You know for a fact all the yarns you spun, the tall tales you relayed as I listened wide-eyed, the rotten lies slipping over your tongue like silk.
It is quite disparaging, the voracity with which you lie. You are a liar, Julian. There is no other way to put it. You may think your little “stories” are funny, and you may pride yourself on your slick ability to mislead even the most unbelieving individual into falling for your lies, but the truth of the matter is that they are not witty, amusing, or a talent upon which to expound – they are a dangerous trade which should be avoided at all costs.
Haven’t you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf? I rue the day when you will have need of help and no one will come to your aid for fear of being made the fool once more. Lying your way through life will only hurt you in the end, inevitably leaving you alone, with no friends, nothing but your hazy memories, doubting your own mind, not even knowing whether to believe yourself.
I’m not sure why it finally clicked that I was making a HUGE mistake by allowing someone I cannot trust to remain in my life in such an intimate way. I guess it was the day you supposedly got “sick” and stood me up when we were to meet for lunch. The next Tuesday you came to my house, fooled around with me, and said, “If that doesn’t prove to you that I’ve not been with anyone else, I don’t know what will.” I KNEW in my heart you were sleeping with her, even then, and I knew somehow deep down that you were lying to my face. The realization struck me with such a crippling blow to know that I’d given you SO MUCH of me and received so little – if anything – of you in return. I couldn’t fathom how you could so blatantly lie to my face and then claim you still believed honesty was the best policy.
As hindsight is 20/20, it didn’t take long for all the red flags, all the gut screams I’d ignored throughout our relationship to come flooding back, leaving me to wallow in my incredible stupidity, to trust where I knew in my heart trust should never have been placed.
I don’t understand what causes someone to make up their entire life – perhaps you feel the truth isn’t “exciting” or “cool” enough. You have said countless times that you don’t care what people think of you, but we both know that is the exact opposite of reality. You care tremendously what people think. Well, here’s what I think.
You are WASTING your life, Julian. I’m tired of standing by and not saying anything for fear of offending you. I have nothing to lose as I did before. I see how smart you can be when you talk about mechanics and cars and such and I think, “Wow, if only he had the AMBITION to be more than he is, he would really make something of himself.” But no, you decide to be a FOOL and make stupid decisions to indulge in black habits which you know deep down are killing you, no matter how you try to justify your actions. I am angry with you for endangering the lives of innocent people every time you deign to be selfish and drive while under the influence. Have you no care for those who you may potentially scar with the tragedy of early death?
You said you cared about me, that you never wanted anything bad to chance upon my path, but even THAT is hard for me to believe now. I will never slander your name and say you ever did anything to make me feel uncomfortable – as far as sex goes – and you never forced me to do anything I wasn’t ready for. That alone proves to me that somewhere underneath your bad-ass-wannabe exterior, you have a good side. I think that perhaps you enjoy escaping the responsibilities of life too much, though, to let that good part of you take over and create a new man, even though you have said with your own mouth that you WANT to change.
You’re afraid of losing friends you think you have if you were to give up your life of addiction and temporary pleasure. You know what, Julian? They are NOT your friends. They only want you around because misery loves company, but if you were to ever want to change, they would cast you out because where there is darkness there cannot also be light.
A true friend tells you when you fuck up and that is precisely what I am doing. I KNOW that I care for you a thousand times more, that my heart bleeds in ways theirs never would when I think of the irrevocable harm you may one day incite upon yourself. Until you decide you’re a strong enough person to be DIFFERENT, and stay confident in that nonconformity, you will never prosper.
You disrespected me countless times, but most of all was when you would come into MY home and do your thing, not even caring that it tore me apart, even when you knew it did. The drug and alcohol usage I tried to ignore, trying to explain my reservations away, wanting to please you at the expense of my own soul’s happiness. I’m not blaming you for the choices I made, but I was deeply saddened that you made me HAVE to choose between losing you or losing myself.
What about our trips to the beach? Did you so loathe my company that you had to get wasted, trashed, or tipsy just to endure me? Or did you miss your marijuana high with such intensity that you had to be cajoled with another mind-altering drug? How do you think that made me feel? I will never understand how you could blame ME for our arguments when all you had to do was refrain from getting drunk for one damn day. It wasn’t that you couldn’t understand my point of view – it’s that you didn’t WANT to.
How DARE you get angry with me for being “smarter” than you. I’ll never forget that night you indulged in a drunken diatribe, telling me how STUPID I made you feel just by being who I am. That was one of the most hurtful conversations we ever had – I never, ever endeavored to wound your spirit the way you wounded mine that night. It was all because you were being an insecure asshole and decided to take it out on me, even though your unhappiness and anger was against your own heart.
I know it freaked you out that I am like your mother, too. I’m sure you subconsciously thought I would make you feel the way she did. It hurt me that you so railed against me becoming a “part of the family” as if I were a monster to be loathed and reviled. If nothing else it would have given me a new friend in your mom, with or without you.
I’m not asking for a response. I won’t say I’m sorry, or that I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings, or that I hope I wasn’t too harsh. Honestly, I WANT this letter to dig deep, to thrust a barbed thorn in your side that you cannot ignore. I am angry that I allowed myself to be lured into your web of deceit so effortlessly, giving into things I LOATHE to the bottom of my soul just because of a pretty face. I thought perhaps you were right, that I wasn’t “open-minded” enough, that I was missing out on some grand adventure of life. But the way I see it, it’s YOU who are missing out.
You admitted it yourself, saying, “Twenty-two was a great year – but I don’t remember much of it.” I pity you. For what is a life without a treasury of vivid memories? They are part of what shapes us into the people we shall one day be at the end of a long life.
I believe in people and I want to believe in you. I KNOW that you can become a better man and go to school and expound upon the talents and mind God has blessed you with. You can get your act together and grow up, you just have to buckle down and DO IT. I will be honest and say that I have tried to hate you so that this whole thing would be easier. But the thing is, I care too much about you and your well being too much to allow hot hatred to rule in your place in my heart.
I love you, Julian, I do, and that is why I am telling you all these things you need to hear with nothing to deaden the pain of the truth. Even after all my hard words know this – I love you and I want the best for you, maybe more than anyone you have ever known, although you may deem me haughty for such a claim.
I wish I could say I’ll be there if you need me, but I think that our time is at an end. There is a reason I said yes to you, a moral behind our chance meeting. I may not know the full answer for years, if ever, but I feel confident that our interlude was not in vain.
I wish you the best, Julian, my dear “Romeo,” and I have faith that one day you will become the man I know is knocking on the wall of your heart, waiting to be brought to full fruition.
