Flood

Father sky sends drips and drops and deluge but the bridge remains steadfast. Angry currents rush beneath the cement foundation, hissing against the grassy bank, thwarted in an escape from the predestined path.
She stands in the middle of the treacherous swell, my sister, the icy froth to her thighs and slowly climbing. Furniture floats in her grasp, all colors, mint bookcase, cerulean armoir, red-rose chair. I wonder that she doesn't grip the edges of the rainbow suite, and I scream that time is of the essence. She can't hear me.
Or she doesn't want to.
The splash of tears swirls with cold rain on my cheek, my admonition carried away by the sprites on the wind and all is silent, silent, silent.

I open my eyes to the interior of a leasing cottage, flooded, the water deep enough to cover the tips of my shoes.
"Ready?" A voice behind me.
It is Alesha, and this is to be our new home, creeping brown stains now our nearest and dearest companion.
"You're sure about this?" Already the sour pungence of drowned carpet is threatening.
"We get to stay one night, just to try it out," Alesha prods.
I concede without protest, in a daze, only aware that one night is too long in a place like this while the winter air burns my rain-soaked skin.

The dark comes but my eyes open wider, straining for a way out. I try the door only to realize there is no escape, a lock on every outlet, no window or door left unchecked.
I glance at Alesha.
She sleeps, haphazardly lying on the dining room table, and I vaguely wonder why she didn't take the bed. Something urges me to let her rest, that she will be of more use to me if I do. But the blackness is becoming palpable, the steely fingers of panic pulling at the edge of the dark room.
"Daylight, daylight, I beseech thee, come quickly." The words fall from silent lips, vanishing snowflakes in the November chill of midnight.

And finally, sun bursts through the faded frilly curtains and Alesha bounds awake, energy popping from her like electricity.
"Let's go! I'm sold!"
Taking my hand she leads me to the next room, bare but for the plain desk and pre-PC era computer taking up most of the metal surface. Behind it stands the agent, gangly and pale with a shock of orange hair like the fires of ancient Rome.
No words, but she motions to the chairs in front of her without ceremony and I slowly sink to the cold pine seat. I hear my father's voice as he warns against this place. I wish I could see him so I would feel safe.

And then I woke up.

Blue Desert

Another dream...

Two weeks from now I am moving, but where I’m going I know not. Neither do I know who will help me move all of my belongings, for my current roommate and best friend has already packed all of her things and gone away from me. I head back to the bed where my current boy toy resides, all dark skin and hair and eyes. I lament my lack of help, mourning the loss of strong men in the world and then I hurry to answer my cell phone in the other room. I get a strict verbal lashing from my parents, a scolding for not being able to find any good friends in the world, ones who will stick by and help me when the world calls for true friends. Suddenly Boy Toy and one of his chocolate friends appear beside me and offer the service of their incredibly thick arms. I accept with nary a token refusal. One can never have too many men with guns.

Soon I leave the yellow-wallpapered flat behind and take up residence in a nearby mall, one that provides room, board, work, and a meal ticket to the expansive food court. Everywhere I go I notice Amazonian women, tall, with shoulders like men and boxy clothes that don’t flatter in color or style. I wonder if a drag show takes place after hours in one of the many theatres, and I begin to wonder if perhaps I might get a job in one of the dramatic theatres myself. Indeed there is a musical theatre a few steps from my hotel room door and I prepare for my audition with much vigor.
And then there he is as I stand by the staircase to run lines with the wall. Eyes like a violet sunset, skin like the Sahara, a deliciously full mouth and I ache to trail my finger down the marble edge of his jaw. I am instantly in love and I wonder at the fact that I can see his entire face. My dreams usually hide the visage of the men I fall for. He just stares, and my knees buckle as I sink to the floor, the taffeta of my ridiculous Victorian-era costume in a tangle around my feet and I feel the heat of embarrassment on the tips of my ears. He walks closer, offers to teach me how to dance, says he knows my part in the play calls for it. I accept but don’t ask his name. That would spoil the mystery and I like the tickle of forbidden love in my blood.
I see him throughout the next few days, but never do we speak. Never do I ask him to dance. His skin touches mine, once, as I sit on a bench to watch people and contemplate my uncharacteristic loneliness. I see him approach and he reaches out to me, silently, and I take his hand and almost flinch at the fire in his fingertips. His eyes burn sapphire into mine and I hold his hand until he walks away, the edges of our fingers gripping frantically to prolong the hot contact. My mouth aches as if he has kissed me, bruised me with his teeth.
Then one day he asks me to dance with him, and tells me the time to meet him at his room, as he lives in the mall, too. I have no idea he was so close and thrill to the knowledge of what might happen when his body presses against mine as twilight dawns. I ask my only friend, Ebony, the head maid, for the master key in case I lose mine in the throes of impending passion.

Only once do I fly, and as I work the flight I receive a vicious ferret bite and a passenger with no seat, only to be discovered during takeoff. I thank God that I can walk out that day and leave such drama behind. After all, I have the dance lessons to look forward to.
And then I woke up. Sadly.

And Tiffany Takes the Cake

Ironic, unfair, cruel. Synonyms for life, all.
Selfish, fickle, heartbroken against her will, synonyms for the fair maid on the wrong side of the glass.
How could it be that only twenty four weeks ago, five hundred and seventy six hours past, he had claimed her as the mate of his soul? For now here she stood, hidden as she watched, and tried not to whimper too loudly when she saw the sun catch the diamond meant for another through the window of that blue-box store called Tiffany's.

She didn't want a sterling silver circle on her finger just now. No, not now. But someday. She aches for it at times. Maybe when she grew up a little and lived life...maybe it could have been like her fantasy where she met him again when the time was right and her heart and head no longer warred.
But those days now seem as fleeting as that glint of blinding golden sun. Over in a flash, hopes of her future snatched away and she ponders how much he really loved her. Oh she knows she ended it. She knows that if she had stayed the course it would be her before whom he knelt on bended knee and opened that midnight-lined robin's egg. Still, she can't help but wonder if it was her he wanted or merely the white dress and tux and two-story picket-fenced house.

She knows he will invite her to the wedding but he doesn't know she'd be a walking lie, all plastic smiles and cold skin that would forever remain bereft of his touch. No, she couldn't bear to watch them laugh and cry and vow while she is an empty tomb. Her soul would die at the sight of threading nightlights catching love in their gaze. She knows that he will feel a sense of relief at her decline, although he won't recognize it as such.

It's better this way, in the end. She wouldn't be happy. She wasn't happy. That was why she said goodbye in the first place. She knows it was foolish to think he might wait for her. And she does love him even if she never fell in all the way; that's why she has to let him go and be happy and try her hardest not to let him hear the catch in her voice when she bids him a bounty of blessings.
The Universe beckons and Freedom sings and the fair maid still holds the key to her heart's cage.
That's the way she has always wanted it, after all.

Rendezvous at Dusk

Esmerelda glanced at the pink buds blooming on the limb's end outside her window. She wished he might poetically reduce the tint of her full mouth to the brillant shade of innocence those flowers sang. But how could he? She hadn't yet spoken to him. And she wouldn't, although her flatmate and best friend, Allie, prodded and probed and perforce interrogated her on the lack of gumption she possessed. No, Essie was old fashioned and meek, and for now the only help she allowed Allie to bestow on her was the use of the hot rollers on the vanity.
Essie flinched when her mocha fingers touched the sizzling plastic-coated metal. It was no use. She wasn't sure what had ever made her think that curls bouncing in her raven locks would capture his attention.
"He will notice because you will make him notice, dear. First rule of womanhood - flaunt your assets. A man who sees a lake of voluminous tresses such as yours is only going to imagine one thing. His hands. Threaded through. In the Throes. Of. Passion."
Allie had grinned knowingly, the diamond on her finger glinting as they stood at the jewelry counter on Third Avenue.
"You're only asking the Flirt of the Year, of course, so I completely understand if you deem me an uncredible source."
Allie had a intermittent itch to visit the local jewelers and try on the newest inventory. She always insisted to the clerk that she was happily single - it was merely something she was trying on for size. Allie laughed at the idea of committment. Sometimes Essie laughed with her, but mostly she felt sorry for Allie. She knew a facade when she saw one. She was the posterchild for disguises, after all.
And so she sighed deeply and curled the black silk of her hair around the first roller, setting it with the grave air of one resigned to failure.

_______________________________________

Laughter and sunshine burst into the quiet room later that day as Essie finished donning the black sweater mother sent last week.
Allie stopped short.
"Oh my dear Essie. What have we here? No, no, no. This shall not do. He'll never kiss you while you appear in mourning!"
"But it isn't as if he has even asked me out! Let alone spoken to me...what makes you think I shall ever receive a kiss?"
"Ha! With that attitude, nothing does!"
Allie skipped to her overflowing closet. "I know you like to wear my things on occasion but this time we are going all out!"
She set out the sleek red dress straight out of the local vintage shop with a flourish. Essie's eyes grew huge.
"How ridiculous. Whereever would I wear a contraption like that? Remember, it was your idea to 'accidentally meet on purpose.' What shall I tell him when the question in his eyes begs to know why I am dressed like I'm attending a 40's Detective Lollpalooza?"
Allie's gaze was full of challenge.
"I don't know, Esmerelda. You're the one with all the stories. Why not play pretend when you by chance fall into step with him at half past five this evening? Spice of life, my dear. You gotta add it to the mix or you'll taste just the same as everyone else."

______________________________________

Essie felt like Cinderella. She was most certainly as conspicuous as the fairytale maiden right now. The bench in Hyde Park was growing colder beneath the scarlet fabric of her dress as the wind blew in the remnants of winter's chill. More than one handsome pair of eager eyes had taken in the sight of her there beneath the blooming dogwoods, and against her will Essie felt her blood run hot with appreciation.
It wouldn't be long now till she caught sight of the light brown tweed of his coat. Surely he would be passing this way and she rehearsed the ludicrous scene in her head as she remembered that Allie said the right story would come.

Oh god, there he was. Essie was certain the cinnamon and chocolate plaid coat adorning his lean frame must have been passed through more than one generation. It was worn, but it looked well loved, and for that its threadbare cords were dear. Strong fingers clasped the handle of his briefcase and she wondered at this for she had always thought him to be a satchel sort of guy. No matter. He was coming her way and she found she was having trouble breathing as each step brought him closer to her cold bench.
From a safe distance her eyes searched his face, that beautiful sculpture of fine white marble, cheekbones carved high and straight, the set of his mouth tinted with hints of secrets. She found herself aching to know those secrets, and she wondered what this young professor had to hide.
She didn't want to speak first. What would she say? What reason would she give for randomly bursting out with a salutation she was sure would wobble and squeak?
But leave it to her hero to save the day.
His brown loafer stepped even with her bench.
"Well, hello," he said, dark chocolate laced through with a honeyed American accent.
Speak to him, you dope!!!
Allie flitted through her thoughts - "Spice of life..."
Essie didn't want to taste the same as everyone else. Cue the grand actress.
"Hello yourself." Her voice was throaty, more so than she had meant it to be, but she recalled that great American sex symbol, Scarlett Johannson, and she kept the husk in her tone.
"Beautiful evening," she purported, hoping it might spur a conversation.
"Indeed, midnight stars are my favorite. New York was never big on open sky," he chuckled somewhat ruefully. "Say, don't I know you? Forgive my frankness, but you just seem familiar."
Her thoughts flew harriedly. Had he caught her watching him those Tuesday afternoons in the library? She often sat mesmerized by the alabaster of his brow furrowed over midterm papers, the diligent scratching of his red pen, the way he took his coffee black in that styrofoam cup. God she sounded pathetic. She hadn't meant to watch him all the time, but the library was her dearest friend on days that Allie had a date - which was most of the time - and so it was only natural that she should find him there on occasion.
"The library," he said jovially, startling her from her reverie. She was encouraged by his tone.
"Y-yes, I'm there occasionally."
"Yes. Oh I know! Last Tuesday you borrowed Anna Karenina. Tolstoy? I remember thinking how impressive it was that you chose to read it of your own accord."
Essie looked at him in confusion.
"I uh, I overheard you tell the librarian that you wanted to read it a second time now that you were older." He grinned sheepishly. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop."
Joy bubbled up in her throat and erupted in a relieved giggle, one she hoped he didn't realize was bordering on hysteria.
"I do love Tolstoy so. And Dante and Shakespeare and Hugo. Karachi was never big on modern novels so I found myself a friend of the Greats. Not that I'm complaining, of course."
"Karachi, eh? I was there once, when I was twenty.That was five years ago, although I know I don't appear a day over fifteen." He grinned at her. "I was most enthralled by the colors. It's like the shades of my soul were splashed on every street corner. I flashed away with my camera, eager to bring that vibrance back home to my apartment in Manhattan. Later I found that my photos didn't turn out the way my eyes took in the scene but I wasn't really disappointed. I just tucked the memory away and vowed to go back one day. Speaking of colors, that's quite a dress you've got on there."
The moment of fact or fiction. No way could she tell him the truth, so she spurted out what Allie was most likely to say - that she had gotten ditched by her date to the opera and wasn't that the most scandalous thing he'd ever heard?
"We were supposed to meet here, and have dinner across the street and well, I decided to make the most of the evening by having a conversation with my favorite bench."
She smiled at him.
He smiled back. A bigger smile than hers, even.
He glanced at his watch.
"Well, I know I'm probably not much compared with that grand date you had - that dress is enough to woo even the most hardened of hearts."
She felt the brown smoothness of her skin heat with a flush at his bold words.
"Still, Mr. Sun is going to bed soon and there is the best coffee joint around the corner and down the next alley. Sounds shady, I know, and I'm sure we look like a couple straight out of Hitchcock's classics, but I'm willing to bet I'm more interesting than that maple bench you've replaced as your date. And I know you're certainly much too beautiful for such a drab companion. So whaddya say we give it a go?"
What did she say? She sang a thousand hallelujahs to the distant hills in her heart but outside she merely cocked her head to the side and relished his admiring green gaze. She took his offered hand and rose to stand beside him, almost swooning at the height he was afforded by his Creator.
"I'd love to. By the way, I'm Essie."
He winked at her.
"Alex Von Sky, at your service."

And one by one they took the knife

Another dream. It's official, people. I am screwed up in the head. Lol.

I was vacationing alone at an ocean resort, complete with plenty of activities and gorgeous men to lead those activties. Two of those beautiful men certainly caught my eye and I flirted like mad. With blonde waves that curled about his ears and eyes bluer than the nearby sea, I set my sights on Jeff, certain that by the end of my time there he would surely be mine.
It was a shock to all the vacationers when we learned that Sean, Jeff's best friend and my other romantic interest, had disappeared from the resort, nowhere to be found. All the tenants and employees searched but to no avail, certain that he must have been swallowed by the bright salty ocean.
And then one day in mid-afternoon, rejoicing went throughout the resort - Sean had been found and Jeff was on his way to bring the hero home. I was more thrilled than anyone and waited up all night just to be the first to see him home, sure that the boys would notice my devotion and fall in love.
Suddenly, I was whisked away and floating high above the earth, aware that I was using what the resort called their UFO's - a hanglider shaped like a tire. I hung on for dear life, afraid of falling and disappearing in the dark water that loomed below.
Sounds of frantic splashing caught my attention and I peered through the night to spot the source. There they were, Jeff and Sean, struggling together, and I beamed when I saw Jeff lift Sean aboce the water to rescue his friend.
In horror I realized I was happy too early. In the next instant, Jeff slammed his friend back beneath the murky surface of the water and held him there even as Sean tried to scrape and kick his way out of Jeff's murderous grasp.
The bright beams of a rescue helicopter shot through midnight's blanket and illuminated the boys, and in an effort to appear innocent, Jeff waved for help and lifted his unconscious friend to safety.
But I knew better.
Like a flash the scene appeared before me - Jeff and Sean were lovers, and resort rules forbade dating within the realms of employees and most definitely frowned upon homosexuals. Jeff confronted Sean, declaring he'd lived in shadow long enough, and wanted to take their relationship public. Sean loved his job and had worked hard to maintain his position, and not even Jeff could make him give it up.
And so, there in the night's shroud, Jeff had taken the life of his one and only love, not aware of what he did until the light shone on his transgression and he frantically tried to right his wrong.
But it was too late.
Sean was dead. And no one knew that I carried so treacherous a secret.

At least, I thought no one knew. A letter came in the mail days later detailing the gruesome death and admonished anyone in the resort to come clean with any information they had concerning the murder.
I remained quiet. No way could I betray Jeff.
Even though I knew he'd never be in love with me I was loyal to him in a way that Sean never was and I was determined that he should know that one day.
And then suddenly there were only six of us left in the gigantic resort, and I was an employee rather than a guest. Jordan Robinson was the butler, so to speak, and headed up all of our duties. It was our job to find the killer.
We only had three days. What would happen if we failed was only hinted at, but all roads led to inevitable death and yet I remained steadfast. I wouldn't tell.
And so began the horrors.
The walls of the resort were ever shrinking and at times I barely escaped before rooms swallowed me in their sheetrocked mouths. Once I found a room that belonged to a musician and I tried singing in hopes that it might save me from the grave. Instead all I saw was the stuffed head of a dead black cat floating before me and I knew death was close behind.
At night I shut all the blinds in every room, frightened that whatever power was taking over the house could watch from the cloak of darkness. It was no use - no sooner had I shut them than they were forced open, leaving us exposed and naked to the terrors of midnight.
And finally, the zombies came. We all sat around the table, Jordan desperately trying to keep us calm, when suddenly his expression went completely slack and his skin seemed to melt off his face.
We all screamed.
Jumped away from him.
And that's when I knew Jordan knew that I knew who killed Sean.
"It's up to you to save us now," he said with his eyes, moments before they became glazed with the steely intent of murder.
And somehow I knew what to do.
"Get a pot of boiling water!" I screamed. The others hastened to bring it and I instructed them to hold the steam next to his misshapen face. I sighed with relief as it began to go back to its original form. But then I saw his fangs and fingernails-turned-claws and knew I had to take more action.
I grabbed the nearest kitchen knife we all kept for protection from the curse.
I put the knife to his throat.
I cut him with one clean slice, and watched his blood drain into the pot of boiling water, praying that this was indeed the answer. And then, slowly, Jordan appeared back in the bright blue eyes of the monster before us, and we thrilled to the knowledge that we had beaten the final test.
It took us a moment to realize it would have to happen to all six of us before the curse was broken. We looked at each other in horrified silence.
Who would be next?
Jordan healed in record time, relunctant to detail the feelings he'd had during his "possession", aware that each of us had to endure the horror, and trying to spare us as much worry as possible.
"Just be ready," he advised.
It took several hours, but one by one each remaining person would begin the melt, and each time we had to use the steam machine and drain them of their evil blood.
Finally, I was the only one left.
They all looked at me nervously, knowing they would be free to go after I underwent my transformation.
Then the pain seized me.
I could barely even think, but I noticed in terror that no one made any move to help me. They remained where they sat and I screamed while I still could to please, please, just cut me.
Time was running out. I could feel my skin dropping off.
"Jordan?" I pleaded in a whisper.
Suddenly he grabbed the knife and held it to my throat, the sharp edge cold against my burning skin.
"Thank you," I mouthed to him.

And then I woke up.

Rafters of Salvation

Training for the new airline took place beside the beach, the sandy edge of the coastline white with pristine grains. The hotel was immaculate, and much to my pleasant surprise, the uniforms were tailor-made and colorful beyond any other airline I had ever seen.
I was proud to work for such a company and had hopes that my career would prosper and last for many years. The fellow crewmembers were friendly and young and we spent afternoons lazing by the blue water, studying in the yellow sun.
Halfway through training, though, new arrivals showed up.
The came bearing old clothes and battered luggage, and nary a hair nor face was ever checked in a mirror. They crowded our hotel, the dirt from their bodies leaving stains on the white furniture. We all loathed them.
They never spoke, or moved for that matter. We had to step over them to prepare for class, carefully avoiding their ugliness, afraid it might rub off and mar the "real" employees.
I could do nothing to jeopardize this job. A day came, though, when one of my friends went off on the ragmuffins, and at that moment all hell broke loose.
It was like a riot, fists flying, the smack of skin on skin echoeing over the roar of their mingled voices. I watched as if I were an outsider, angered that these fools were ruining my chances at a good job, and I refused to join in.
That's when we heard it.
The clink of white china sounded like hundreds of chattering teeth, and I vaguely wondered at this since no china existed at the hotel.
Enormous windows lined each wall and in the confusion of the mob, I caught a terrifying view of the monster outside.
"You did this!" I screamed to the fighting crowd, in a voice far too loud to belong to me.
Suddenly they ceased their fire and followed my horrified gaze. The ocean stood as tall as the Empire State Building in the distance, and I knew that at our inability to get along had angered the peaceful sea gods and they were smiting us for our wicked ways.
Suddenly the hotel melted away and I stood in an enormous plane hangar, the yellow bars of the rafters high enough to be my salvation if only I could reach them.
The rest of the group scattered, knowing there was little time to reach high ground before the waves took them to their cerulean graves. Rocky cliffs graced the landscape behind the training center, and so in their high heels and leather loafers, the newly united enemies held hands and gripped granite as they tried to evade death.
I ran to the nearest handhold, the walls of the hangar like a magic yellow ladder as I caught a glimpse of a rafter so high it seemed to reside in the clouds. I climbed, faster and faster, tears on my face as I watched my weaker comrades fall to their deaths, but there was nothing I could do, so I pushed onward to the yellow bridge.
Heather Locklear was climbing directly above me, and she turned to shout that even if we reached the rafters, it would be days before a rescueing crew could help us climb down again. The water would still be too high, she said, and for a moment I almost let go and fall, tempted by an instant death. But something inside me said not to trust her, so I ignored the warning and climbed higher still.
Then the wave hit.
The walls shook me like a rat in a dog's mouth, and I held on till my fingers dripped blood. I watched my friends disappear into the frothy white water, and it spurred me onward. The rafter was in my reach, but just as I threw my leg over the cold metal bar, another wave slammed into the building and I was catipulted into a muddy crater on the top of a nearby mountain.
Suddenly I was surrounded by hundreds of naked people clustered together, dried mud caked on their bodies like a second skin. I noticed that my clothes were missing, too, but strangely that only made me feel more at ease with these people. They were natives to the crater, and even children ran around the brown landscape. I noticed that tunnels existed in the side of the mountain, and when I asked what they were for, they said it was our only escape back into the world I had just left, that we must work together in order to make it back to our loved ones. They had been here a long time, and it seemed they were waiting for me to begin the journey back to their pasts.
It took us days, but slowly we passed through the tunnels, at times only big enough for one to crawl on hands and knees. Everyone was frightened, but together we encouraged one another in the dark, sure we would make it back to restore our families.
And then - sunlight! We all wept tears of joy as indeed we came through on the other side of the mountain, the ocean that had been my demise only days before now placid and turquoise.
I frantically searched for my family, certain they must be there among the wreckage.
I watched as each of my new friends was reunited with their people, the families dressed in their Sunday best, making the survivors all acutely aware of our nakedness.
I still hadn't found my family when I suddenly spotted my mother standing on a wooden porch, remniscent of the house where she grew up. She had on a white hat and gloves and I wondered why everyone insisted on dressing like it was Easter.
Screaming her name, I flung myself into her arms and wept, asking about the rest of the family. As she said each of their names, my father, followed by each of my siblings appeared beside her.
I hugged them all in turn, realizing that my brothers, Jon and Jamie, were missing.
"Mom, where are the boys??" I asked in a panic.
She leveled a dead gaze on me and said flatly, "I have no idea."
I knew they must be dead.

And then I woke up.

The Devil Wears a Halo

Worship. It was sprawled across his features in the early morning sunlight and she shrank from her reflection in his cornflower gaze. He thought she wore a halo but what he really saw was the glow of the golden pitchfork she so deftly hid behind her back.
She knew this.
He didn't.
A whisper of a sigh escaped her mouth and before she could catch it, it fell on his ears.
"What is it?" A gently posed question but she doubted he realized the danger belied in such a query.
What if? She pondered.
What if she threw caution to the wind and let him spy the pitchfork?

I need a man, she would say.
I need a man with a backbone. Being with you is like being with a spineless guppy, all puppy dog eyes and silent agreement when I tell you that you're wrong.
When are you going to yell at me?
For God's sake, when will you finally tell me no?
I want to hear the edge in your voice as you defy me. Just once I'd like nothing better than to feel the heat of your eyes, a fiery ocean of anger only calmed by a stolen kiss in the rain hours later. Don't you realize that all the times I raise my tone it is merely in the hope that maybe this is the time you fight back?
I need you to slow down. To let me set the pace of our relationship. To not say things that I'm not ready for you to say.
"I love you" fell from your lips thirty days after your eyes locked mine and I feel guilty that only I know I was lying when I said it back.
But you painted me into a corner and wouldn't take "I'm not ready" for an answer, so I put on my work boots and trudged through self-doubt to please you. I thought that if I "gave you a chance" in the end I might find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but instead the gleam I saw on the far hill was the sun shining on the mirror of self-reflection. I looked hard at the girl staring back at me, gripped by panic when I realized it was through your eyes and I was fast becoming an undeserving goddess.
How was I to live up to such a standard?
And how do I tell you that you fail to make me burn, that your mouth leaves me wanting something more, something you can never give me? I think of the kiss of another man so long ago; you are sugar when I need salt and sometimes too much sweetness can make me sick.
I realize I am accusing you of being too nice and isn't that the oldest line in the book? I have placed judgment on too many women for me to ever speak those words out loud. I can't bear to be called a hypocrite. For that is surely what I am. I want to say I can chalk it up to naivety, that I had no knowledge of such feelings until they were thunderously upon me, but somewhere deep inside I know that is merely an excuse.
But how to tell you all of this? How to say all my doubts aloud and still expect you to believe that I truly think you are the best man who has ever loved me?
Is it really your fault that you do the things you do or is it because I let you? If you don't know what I want how can I ever place the blame on your shoulders?
I am afraid to tell you, though, because maybe I know that if I do you will eventually leave and for once I'd like to reserve the right to walk out first.
Perhaps I am entitled to issue a broken heart - but then again, one reaps what one sows and I scurry from the thought of dripping mascara and worded heartache scribbled in the moonlight.
Maybe I don't tell you because I am selfish. Because I like having someone. Because maybe if you do as I ask I will resent you for changing into someone that you really aren't, someone you don't even like.
I am not the sort of girl who goes against intuition, pursuing a romance once my heart screams otherwise. But for you, I did, and maybe all of this is actually self-loathing projected onto you, an undeserving passerby, and I'm glad you don't taste the indecision in my midnight kisses.
But can I really say all of this? What am I going to gain? I sit here and feel your fingertips on my skin and I know I won't do it.
And I know you will be none the wiser.

So she let him kiss her and shut her eyes to hide her soul.
But then the time soon came that it was indeed over and she rejoiced in the freedom of her spirit until one day retribution caught up with her.
She watched in agony as one by one the women in her life became victims of heartbreak, their cries an icy chain on her feeling of relief. There were so many murders that it seemed a cruel joke and she could do nothing but gaze on each killing with a fascinated horror.
There was her Cousin, the dark-haired beauty, so loyal in her love for him, so willing to give second chances where second chances were never deserved. She devoted years to the hope of their future.
How it made the one with Freedom weep to see the day he sliced her cousin’s heart in two with a dull knife, as she screamed for him to stop, and he just laughed as she fell to the floor. It was so calculated, so cold, and she lay in the pool of her soul’s blood while he walked away arm in arm with another woman.
And then the Sister of Her Heart, the one who shared all her secrets, was one day finally happy.
“He wants me!” she lauded, but Free Heart knew better than to trust him. His eyes were dark with secrets but there was no convincing her friend.
“His arms are true when I am feeling blue and I know him better than you,” she stewed.
But this time Free Heart was right and so she was there to hold her friend when the fateful Monday came and he picked up the phone to make that most cowardly of all exits.
The Sister of Her Blood spent a year with the one she loved, in a country of palms and sandy roads. He strummed romance on his guitar, crooning lullabies under the starry sky and she knew she had never been more content in life. The year came to a close and he promised meetings on other shores, but the day she sailed her boat to his home and waited to be taken in open arms, he slammed the door of his heart with nary an explanation. She clung to the stern as she treaded the waters of confusion, her added tears almost enough to drown in.
The Indian Princess was sweeter than peach pie in August, and for a while it seemed the two of them were happy. He brought flowers and called her beautiful and said she was his love. She gave and gave and gave, never expecting anything in return, and soon enough he took that for granted. She sat in the corner while he laughed boisterously with the other men gathered around the TV and never took the time to look into her big brown eyes anymore. She realized she carried a slingshot in his World of Warcraft and it wasn’t enough to win the battle. So he left and she cried and threw her flimsy weapon in with the towel.
The Fellow Flight Attendant brought word of a brand new man, tall, dark, and carrying the keys to an airplane. Free Heart knew where this was headed but offered support in spite of her own distrust. First lie – I’m single. Second lie – I have no children. Third lie – You can trust me, I promise. When news of his unfaithfulness reached the ears of the free heart, she was saddened but not shocked at the demise of her friend’s new marriage.
The Stand-Up Comedienne had laughs-a-plenty with the dark-eyed beau she snagged from her past. Regular text-message updates filled the inbox of Free Heart as her funny friend reveled in a new romance. Months and months of midnight ecstasy but suddenly it ended and the comic stopped smiling as she searched for an answer. The reason for her constant grin now eyed the heart of another man and she felt the rays of stunned grief flow through her like sand in a sieve. Doubt and disgust and derision made their way into her heart and she wiped from her mind the memory of his kiss.
The Southern Blonde loved him for two years, longer, really, but he had officially been hers for seven hundred days. Marriage loomed on the horizon, and she felt sure that soon he would kneel on his beautiful knee and propose, her nights filled with dreams of children and picket fences and fishing by the lake. But the day she never expected was soon upon her and with no warning he packed his bags and walked out, putting the ring she thought was hers on the hand of the other woman. She was the one who would get the giggling babies and quaint cottage and catfish dinners. Grief consumed the one with the sandy-blonde curls.
The Pixie Virgins had a charm that led men to their door with merely a wink. They filed out in lines so long it seemed they had no end, and the Pixie sisters had hope that at least one decent man existed among the hoards. But time and again they reached the question the men most wanted answered and when the beauties said no, they bounded quickly away from the sweet-tempered interview. Given the nature of the sisters, though, the men still left marks and it was only a matter of time before the Pixies became scarred for life.
The Childhood Friend stared into his big velvet eyes and fell with no handhold. She was sure he would catch her. He promised with his flowery words that he wanted no one's heart but hers. But the distant beat of drums called him elsewhere and before she could grip the hem of his coat to keep him by her side, he had followed the music and left her behind. The moon shone through the window onto her beautiful, tear-streaked face, and she endlessly questioned what she could have done to make him stay.

Free Heart saw all of this and she cried until there were no tears left. Again she pondered her state of soul.

I am now a graveside mourner, except the coffin holds the broken heart of the man I left and I can do nothing but transform into a cliché, missing what treasure I had until it was gone and now I am alone with my grief and second thoughts.
Is this what I have to look forward to? A lifetime spent sweeping up glass hearts and diamond tears? I wonder if I am due any near misses or if my punishment shall be to lie on the torturer’s table and wait for his heinous tools.
A Free Heart. That is what I have called myself. But now I know that I would give it back to the captivity of love, for such freedom frightens me with its unknown risks.
I think I gave it up too quickly. I can do nothing now to rescind my decision, for the victim of my affliction has been granted a fresh beginning, and even if I made my sorrow known, he wouldn’t hear it over the voice of his new true love. I saw her once, her ruddy, uneven complexion and less than chic style obviously of no concern to him.
Perhaps he sees more depth and truth in her eyes than he saw in mine and I can’t blame him for looking.
All I can think of now is how much he loved me. I felt it even when I didn’t want to and when I tell myself otherwise it is only because I am trying to ease my own pain. Anyone who knew him knew I was his world and isn’t that what I have been watching crumple all around me? The universes of my friends have disappeared and I shudder at the thought.
Why is it that we can only remember the good things when we lose something beautiful we never knew we had? Try as I might I to forget, I realize the qualities he contained that I deemed undesirable were nothing that couldn’t have been mended with a little communication. But it was merely that I wanted a reason to escape and so I harped on what made me unhappy until it was a constant grey cloud and it wasn’t long before he felt the rain.
I do hope he is happy. I won’t deny that I am jealous, that he has moved on and forgotten me and laughs while I cry. I am jealous that she gets to kiss his mouth and stroke the calloused skin of his palm and rest her cheek on his argyle sweater. I feel a deep anger when I think of her name caressed in the lilt of his Scottish brogue, the purr of each syllable like the ocean in the moonlight. I want to feel the curve of his body as our dreams meet dawn’s sunlight.
But those days are over and I face my future with a harrowed fear, sure the chopping block looms somewhere that I least expect it.
I won’t give up on love and I refuse to settle, but I must take to heart the lessons I have learned through all of this. I know that evil men lie in wait, their traps set for the innocent and trusting smile of a girl with bright eyes, and I curse them for their malicious intent.
They are all Devils, every one.

And yet this time, she thought woefully, this time the Devil was me.