The Twilight Conundrum

Don't get me wrong. I'd love for Edward Cullen to "Bite Me." To clarify, this is the book Edward, not Rob Vomit-son. However, I have some qualms with this new film adaptation...

That body, those teeth, that face, so hideously wrong. Her inflection-less drone is like nails on a chalkboard, her eyes dead rather than fierce with consuming love for Edward. The palpable chemistry which should send tremors of envy and desire through the veins of onlookers instead falls laboriously flat.
Rosalie definitely just ended a contract with Baywatch, Jake needs to visit Cinderella Wigs for a more believable 'do, and Jasper? Well, he would definitely be more into Alice if she were a man.
Need I mention that ALL of them should be signed up for acting classes?
As was befitting my prediction, this movie has evoked the fandom of thousands of screaming tweens, most of whom have never read "See Spot Run", much less the 400 page dream-turned-Vamp-series novel. "This will provoke teens to read more," I've heard it said. And ok, so perhaps after they watch Hollywood's raping of the story they go out and buy all four books, devouring them in week - if they never read a book in their lives again, to what avail was it all?
Personally, I am getting sick of the obsession. At this point it's all I can do to avoid seeing Vomitson's face plastered EVERYWHERE, on every magazing, in every airport bookstore, trailers and tv spots - even my damn Facebook is littered with ads sporting his failed attempt at "brooding." At first glance I often confuse it for a constipation medication advert.
Thanks to Youtube I met another malady in this monster of a movie - ha, alliteration and puns make writing so much fun. I wanted to weep at Bella's Lullaby. And NOT in awe.
Ok, so Yiruma's "River Flows In You" isn't exactly an original composition made for Twilight; however, it truly sounds that way. It speaks without words - the music has a voice all its own. The feelings evoked in the melody are quite magnificent and almost indescribable. Hmm, let's see, did they try to use such a similarly moving melody in the movie? NO. Ha, Bella's Lullaby sounds like a bad circus soundtrack, high tinkling keys and harsh undertones, like a musical interpretation of the scowl Edward reserves for Jacob. It makes Bella's near-narcoleptic reaction to it a joke.
I have seen Forks with my own eyes, stayed at the Forks motel, posed in front of the highschool. I've eaten in the two restaurants in town and made friends with a member of the Quileute tribe, the "Leader of the Pack" as she described herself. I gasped at the view as I came around the bend in La Push, and collected sand from First Beach. The white birch is exactly as Meyers described it. I have scars from the thorns that we pushed through in our search for the famous meadow; I'm still thanking God we didn't get irrevocably lost in the thick wood.
No, I haven't seen the movie. Honestly, I don't care if I ever do. I'm boycotting it, in fact. As my friend Ashton wisely advised, "It's a rental."
Still, no one can accuse me of not being a true fan. I'm just OVER IT.

Congrats, Hollywood. Without garlic, crosses, or Holy Water, you have successfully slain this Vampire Saga.